


Those Walls Were For a Reason

by mirrormirrora



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x06, Angst, M/M, Vulnerable Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 02:09:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17255639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirrormirrora/pseuds/mirrormirrora
Summary: At the end of the day, everyone leaves.





	Those Walls Were For a Reason

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the argument in episode 3x06, A Window into an Empty Room. I just kept thinking of how heartbreaking it must have been for Magnus to have outlived his past lovers, to have your loved ones leaving you. And the fact that he's been through it so many times due to his immortality.... The angst is real. So, I just decided to come up with something like this. Please do leave kudos and enjoy! :)

Magnus is tired.

He’s tired of this heaviness in his heart, this painful ache he feels deep down, one that he isn’t sure if it will ever be healed. It’s not his first time feeling this _hurt_ but it still slams into him, wild and powerful. Magnus waves a hand and the curtains are drawn down, the sunlight disappearing, and he’s left in the darkness of his own bedroom, in the chaos of his mind, in his loneliness and despair.

 It’s silly, Magnus thinks.

Silly that his heart still bleeds the same after centuries of this torture.  Immortality. It’s a curse, one that has taken its toll on him. Centuries of living through one broken heart at a time, of being loved and then being left for his immortality is not something Magnus has gotten around to learning to get over. Magnus stands and walks toward the wooden box, hands shaking as he grabs it and places it on his lap.

_“If I’m lucky, maybe one of my arrowheads ends up in that box.”_

Magnus feels his grip tightening as Alec’s voice echoes in his head, loud and clear. His heart and mind are in chaos as he lifts the lid of the box. Magnus doesn’t touch any of the stuff in it, simply stares. The silence consumes him as he stares, long and hard. He doesn’t know what he’s thinking, doesn’t even realizing how long it has been. All he knows is that, he _feels_.

The pain, the anguish, the despair, the hurt.

And Magnus thinks, thinks of all the people who had loved him and left him. Mortal lovers passing on, immortal lovers leaving him for good. It’s the same at the end of the day, Magnus bitterly concludes.

Everyone leaves.

It’s not them. It’s him, it has always been him. Magnus Bane, son of the Greater Demon Asmodeous. Magnus Bane, the one who gives his heart and soul to his past lovers and then gets a broken heart in return. Magnus Bane, the one with the broken heart and a lonely soul who never learns from his lessons.

Maybe Camille had been right.

_“The fear of loneliness has always been your Achilles' heel.”_

_“You don't do well losing those you love.”_

Magnus scoffs. He hates to admit it but does admit defeat. Camille, his abusive, immortal, ex-lover had been right all along. Immortals, they don’t get a happy ending, they never will and Magnus is _done_. He’s done hoping and believing and trying because for all the broken heart he has had to nest for the past few centuries, Magnus thinks this one- this one right now is by the worst.

And Magnus swears that it will be the last.

There’s a reason Magnus has chosen to close himself off months before this. He remembers it now, feels it in his bones loud and clear. Closing the box, Magnus takes a deep breath before he mutters a quiet spell. The box lights up in flames in his hands. Hues of red, orange and yellow reflects in his cat-eyes and Magnus watches the contents of the boxes, the painful memories of his past, all burned away.

Magnus wishes that he’s able to throw his heart into the fire as well.

***

Magnus’s on his fifth drink-or bottle- now, or something. Magnus doesn’t know but it feels good, to be this buzzed. He’s a warlock and it takes a lot of work for him to get himself drunk. But Magnus figures he needs this, needs the buzz, the distraction. He needs something to help him forget, something that helps to numb his feeling.

His phone buzzes and he picks it up, eyes squinting at the brightness from his phone. The loft is still dark, Magnus doesn’t want to think about what time it is or what’s going on outside his loft and so he chooses this darkness instead.

“Dinner with Maryse, Jace and Izzy tonight.” Magnus reads, “Can you make it?”

Magnus laughs and then chugs the phone aside. _Oh Alexander_ …

Alec’s still mad at him. Magnus _feels_ it through the text. But what Magnus finds amusing is that he’s _still_ inviting Magnus over to have dinner with his family tonight. As if he hadn’t just walked out a few hours ago. As if he hadn’t just found out that his boyfriend keeps his fucking ex-lovers’ things inside a stupid box.  As if he hadn’t just found out the reality of how utterly ridiculous and stupid falling in love with Magnus Bane had been.

 Magnus chuckles, shaking his head as he grabs the phone back. He texts Alec back a, “busy” because quite frankly, he kinda is. He’s thinking, very hard. Thinking of how Alec Lightwood, Head of New York Institute, smart, handsome, loyal, brave and kind had fallen for someone as miserable as Magnus Bane?

Magnus feels himself frowning. Alec is a good man, too good to be true even and Magnus _hates_ it. He hates loving Alec and falling for him because nothing has ever felt this right in a very long time. Alec is everything Magnus doesn’t deserve and Magnus has known that from the very beginning.

Selfish.

That’s the only word that comes to mind. Magnus’s been selfish for far too long. He makes the poor boy fall for him only to put him through this stress of a relationship that will never be good enough for him. Alec doesn’t deserve this, Alexander Lightwood doesn’t deserve Magnus Bane and Magnus nods to himself because this is the truth. He swallows and closes his eyes, resting his head back against the wall of his room.

_“Someday, someone will come along who will tear down those walls you’ve built around your heart.”_

_“And when that love comes back to you, you must do everything in your power to fight for it.”_

“My dear Ragnor,” Magnus whispers, thinking of his friend and the advise he had taken to his heart a few months ago, “You were right.”

Magnus’s lips curls into a small smile thinking of Ragnor and how he’s alright right, although Magnus hates to admit it to him.

“But you forget,” Magnus hums quietly, “Those walls were for a reason.”

***

Magnus stirs awake when he hears a knock.

The loft is still dark and so, Magnus doesn’t know what time it is or what is going on. He blinks, mind in a haze as he looks around. Then he hears it again, the knocks on his door. He doesn’t think about it, can’t seem to think about anything else other than the throb in his head, as he makes his way to the door and opens it.

Alexander Lightwood greets him by the door dressed in all black attire and dishevel hair and a worried look etched across his face.

“Magnus,” Alec breathes, eyes scanning over him from head to toe, “I called you.”

Magnus’s throat burns as he clears it, hoping that his voice doesn’t betray what he’s feeling or… trying to hide away. “I… I didn’t notice.”

Magnus curses mentally because he’s not used to sounding this… unsure. Alec senses it and he takes in the dark loft and how Magnus is still dressed in his clothes from yesterday. Magnus looks away because Alec’s eyes are looking at him filled with so many emotions that makes Magnus want to run way, run way with Alec, to a place where it’s only for the both of them, a place where past and future doesn’t event.

“Magnus,” Alec whispers, “I’m sorry.”

There’s dead silence after. Magnus doesn’t move, Alec’s holding his breath and then Magnus feels himself gripping the door, knuckles paling as he relies on the hard wood to hold himself up.

“Whatever for, Alexander?” Magnus pushes forth a smile.

 “I was wrong. I… I’m sorry I got caught up in this whole immortality thing.”

“Oh, it’s quite alright, Alexander.” Magnus waves his hand, hoping that Alec doesn’t see it shaking slightly, “It happens.”

_It happens all the time._

“Magnus,” Alec’s eyes catches his and he stares straight into him, eyes pleading for Magnus to please, _please_ stop putting up this act. Magnus knows that Alec isn’t letting it go but he doesn’t know _how_ to. “It’s not alright. You don’t deserve this.”

_But I do._

“I’ve thought a lot about this, about you, about us.” Alec steps forward and instinctively, Magnus steps back. Alec freezes when he realizes what Magnus is doing, he’s distancing himself from Alec.

“Alexander,” Magnus begins, voice unsteady, “They all leave.”

“So I’m fine.” Magnus continues, his palms are sweaty and his heart is breaking, “I… It happens.”

“I won’t let it happen. Not anymore.”

Magnus looks up to Alec, to his eyes full of promise and love, to his face full of determination. He knows Alec will fight his way through, Alec’s been able to break down his walls no matter how perfectly he has built them. He doesn’t want Alec to break through them any more. He doesn’t want this pain any more and so, Magnus looks away, gritting his teeth, magic cackling under his skin from all the pain and anger he’s going through.

Magnus painfully closes his eyes and leans against the door,  “Okay.”

“Okay?” Alec repeats, confused.

“Okay, it won’t happen again.” Magnus confirms, eyes sliding open and Alec takes a step back. He knows this look, recognizes this look of defeat and sorrow on Magnus. Before Alec can say anything, Magnus hardens his heart, takes a deep breath and then gives Alec a small smile and then whispers,

“So goodbye Alexander.”

And with that, Magnus is closing the door behind him, summoning a portal over himself.  He doesn’t know where he’s going but all he knows is that it’s far away from the loft, far away from New York, far away from anyone ever leaving him again and infinitely far, far away from Alexander Lightwood.

 


End file.
